How to Listen (And Why It’s so Hard)

Listening is one of the most important skills we can have, but no one really teaches us how to do it. In fact, most of us are taught the opposite.

We’re taught to analyze, critique, and debate. We’re taught to quickly assess and categorize what we hear: is this something I agree with or not? Is this good or bad? Right or wrong? That kind of black-and-white thinking shapes the way we move through the world, and it makes real listening very hard.

Because once we’re caught in those categories, fear starts to take over. We instinctively pull away from anything that feels “wrong” or uncomfortable. We start listening for what we don’t like, what we disagree with, instead of actually being present with the person in front of us.

And to me, that’s what listening really is: presence. Not proving anything or fixing or judging. Just being there and being willing to take in what someone is saying.

Why Deep Listening Feels So Uncomfortable

But beig fully present with someone else’s experience is hard. Because it means we have to be open. It means we have to let go of your stance, your certainty, and acknowledge that there might be another valid way of seeing things.

And that can feel like a threat to our beliefs, to our identity, and to our sense of self.

So much of this comes back to control. Listening deeply requires us to let go of how we think, what we believe, and who we are. It means being willing to feel uncomfortable, to be affected, and possibly even changed.

That’s why listening isn’t just about communication skills like asking open-ended questions, validating, or summarizing. Those are helpful, but real listening asks something much deeper of us: the willingness to let go of control and be changed.

Why We Resist Listening to "The Other"

When we truly take in someone else’s perspective, something shifts. The mind starts to open. We start to consider what they’re saying. And that alone can feel threatening, like our mind is betraying us.

So we protect ourselves.

We judge. We label. We dismiss.

We call the other person ignorant, wrong, stupid — not because they are, but because labeling creates distance. It gives us a reason to stop listening because it makes us think we already know the other.

We do this because deep down, we’re scared of being influenced. Of being changed against our will. Of starting to believe something we think we shouldn’t believe. And since we can’t always control what our minds think or what we feel, we try to control what we hear by controlling who and what we listen to.

Listening Means Facing the Truth (Even When It’s Uncomfortable)

When we listen, we’re confronted with truth. Not some objective truth, but the truth of someone else’s experience. And that can be really hard. Because often, we don’t want to see people clearly. We see them through the lens of projection. We want to keep them in categories.

But listening cuts through all that. It forces us to move beyond projection, beyond assumptions, and actually see the person in front of us for who they are.

And that’s hard to do if we’re not seeing ourselves clearly. If we’re not listening to ourselves. If we’ve spent our whole lives avoiding the uncomfortable parts of who we are, we’ll end up avoiding those same parts in others.

So listening to others starts with listening to ourselves.

Why We Avoid Ourselves (and How That Blocks Us From Listening)

In Western culture, it’s so easy to disconnect from ourselves. We live in a world of noise — podcasts, social media, TV, music — and all of it pulls us away from our inner world.

On top of that, society interferes with our relationship with ourselves from a young age. It gives us labels. It tells us what we’re supposed to value, what success looks like, what beauty looks like, who we should be in order to be loved or accepted. So we start moulding ourselves into this “ideal” person, and as a result, we give up core parts of who we are.

Over time, we start running from ourselves — not just out of habit, but because there’s pain underneath we don’t know how to face. There’s often the deep grief of years of self-abandonment. And if we don’t take responsibility for our pain, it gets projected onto others and prevents us from being present, because we’re too busy avoiding what’s unresolved in us.

The Truth About Deep Listening

When we really listen, all of our baggage comes up. Our fear, our resistance, our shadows. And we’re faced this on several levels: emotionally, mentally, existentially, and physically. Our bodies can tense up, and even become hot from the anger that can arise from disagreement. We try to push the discomfort away on every level.

But here’s the thing: listening helps us become less afraid.

Because when we understand someone, we no longer need to fear them. And when we understand ourselves, we no longer need to fear what’s inside.

Listening closes the gap between imagination and reality. It quiets the part of our mind that fills in the blanks with worst-case scenarios. And when we create that kind of safety both internally and with others, we make space for real growth, change, and connection.

So How Do We Actually Practice Listening?

• Start by noticing what comes up in you: the resistance, the fear, the desire to control or protect.

• Remind yourself: those reactions are about you, not the other person.

• Step back from black-and-white thinking. Notice the urge to label and judge, and pause.

• Recognize that a person is so much more than a category, and that the urge to label is the mind’s way of trying to gain control.

• Practice joining someone before you try to understand them. Be with them first. Then make meaning of what they said.

At the end of the day, listening is about surrender. About being willing to give up control, to let go of our attachments, and open ourselves up to something unknown.

It’s not easy, but it is one of the most powerful things we can do because when we listen, we not only expand our sense of self, but we become less afraid of the world.

Wishing you well,

Sophia

If you’re looking for an anxiety coach to help you reconnect with yourself and build a more balanced relationship with your emotions, I’d love to work with you. You’re welcome to book a free consultation or 1:1 session by clicking the “Book Now” button at the top of the page.