How Life Stressors Can Trigger Relationship Anxiety

Relationships aren’t always easy. Not necessarily because we’re in a bad relationship or our partner is wrong for us, but because life can be hard. Challenges like financial stress, work pressure, health issues, deaths, or family chaos can bring real pain and strain into our lives, and if we’re not careful, we might end up projecting our pain onto our relationship, and wondering if we should leave: “With the right partner, I wouldn’t have to feel this disappointed, sad, stressed, irritated, unhappy,” we think. 

Relationship anxiety has us believe that our partners can save us from uncomfortable emotions. We believe that if only we can find the right partner, we’d be able to transcend our humanness and never feel pain again. This is the fantasy we’re sold from movies, music, and social media.

In reality, you and your partner are human, and humans experience pleasant and unpleasant feelings, especially if there’s a difficult life situation. Here are some stressors that put strain on a relationship:

1. You or your partner are unemployed and/or struggling financially

2. You have a challenging living situation. Maybe you’re both living with housemates or roommates, or are in a studio apartment without any personal space. Maybe you’re even living with one of your parents

3. Your schedules are in conflict and you can’t find time to see each other

4. You or your partner, or even a family member, is struggling with a serious health issue

I’ve personally experienced 1, 2, and 3, and each of these put significant stress on my relationship, which brought out my relationship anxiety and had me questioning if I was in the right relationship. I’d often think, “If I were in the right relationship, I wouldn’t have to go through this.” It was only by stepping back and seeing the larger picture, and focusing on my relationship with my own emotions, that I got through. 

It’s important to state that I’m assuming you’re with a healthy, loving, and respectful partner who is able and willing to reflect and grow. If there’s any emotional or physical abuse, or blatant disrespect, then this blog (and post) does not apply to you. If you’re struggling due to life circumstances and unhealthy patterns of thinking or relating, let’s look at some ways you can work with your relationship anxiety.

First, we need to accept that life is imperfect and often messy. Sometimes we end up in difficult situations that wear down our peace and patience and have us turning on our partners. We might get snappy and judgmental when we’re tired, and apathetic when we’re depressed. We might lash out when we’re sad and fail to appreciate our partners' efforts to make us feel loved. And this is all okay (as long as both partners take responsibility). We are not perfect, and neither are our partners. But we do need to budget for this, and learn how to take care of ourselves when we’re low, such as taking space, talking to a friend, engaging in a creative project, or going on a walk.

Developing a good relationship with our unpleasant feelings is necessary. Relationship anxiety usually arises when we’re unwilling to experience another, more vulnerable emotion. For example, if your partner feels stressed due to a toxic work environment, and isn’t able to show up for you in the way you want, you might start to feel disappointed and sad, and then question the relationship: “Maybe he’s just not the one. With the right partner, I’d feel happier, wouldn’t I?” This kind of thinking can lead us into a downward spiral of anxiety in which we’re agonizing over whether to stay or go. We then begin obsessively asking friends and family for advice, listening to relationship podcasts, reading relationship books, journaling excessively about our partner, and constantly over analyzing every thought, feeling, and interaction. And as a result, we’ve effectively avoided the uncomfortable feelings of disappointment and sadness.

I fell into this trap for years. Instead of owning and processing my feelings, I’d avoid them by overthinking and overfocusing on my partners. This felt safer than going directly into the pain. But it’s only by feeling the painful emotions that we can actually heal. 

If you’re experiencing relationship anxiety due to a challenging life situation, take this as an opportunity to better connect with yourself by fully experiencing your emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant. Practice tuning into your body and paying attention to the physical sensations. Notice your automatic thoughts and behaviors—do you have the desire to distract yourself, or engage in thoughts about how you could leave?

If we want to heal from relationship anxiety, we have to heal our relationship to our emotions, and therefore, ourselves. Instead of turning to our partner and our relationship, and wondering if we should leave, let’s practice turning to ourselves and tolerating the uncomfortable emotions that arise. This is how we become emotionally resilient. From this grounded, resilient place, we’re able to see the situation more clearly, and make a more informed decision about the relationship.

Wishing you well,

Sophia

If you’re looking for an anxiety coach to help you reconnect with yourself and build a more balanced relationship with your emotions, I’d love to work with you. You’re welcome to book a free consultation or 1:1 session using the “Book Now” button at the top of the page.